Hear Me Out Before You Shut Me Out

Top 5 Worst Movies of 2011

It’s 2012, folks. Time to start panicking about that end of the world that probably won’t happen but also to reflect on the past year. I don’t know about you guys, but 2011 wasn’t all that kind to me. Compared to the year before which brought us Inception, Black Swan and Toy Story 3, what did 2011 bring us? Super 8 and…? Most critics usually do a Top 10 of the Best and Worst movies of the year, but I’m doing something different because I didn’t see a lot of movies, most I wanted to see (The Artist, The Descendants, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy). So instead, I will do the Top 5 Worst movies of 2011 first. After that, I will do the Top 5 Best Films of 2011 with two honorable mentions and one wild card. That’s a movie that won’t come anywhere near the list but deserves some recognition. Take note that these are all movies I’ve seen, so don’t be shocked if certain films don’t appear.

Let’s start off with The Worst:

5. Bridesmaids – my list, my rules. If this was another comedy that everyone thought was funny and moved on, I may have been kinder to it; the fact that many critics hail it as the best comedy of the year is down right insane. One: the movie wasn’t all that funny. Two: HOW IN THE HELL WAS THAT MOVIE FUNNY? Critics hailed it as the “female counterpart to The Hangover“, but I saw it more akin to Superbad, which from me is an insult. A rag-tag team of girls trying to plan one’s wedding. There’s a premise one would find in your typical chick-flick. Throw in ample amounts of raunchy scenes and awkward dialogue, and somehow this wins enough people to declare it “funny”. People aren’t laughing at these jokes because they’re funny but because they’re stupid. Many of them just come off as forced. Wiig’s drunkenness on a plane? Taking a dump in the middle of the street in a wedding dress? It’s not funny, it’s painful. I hope this “awkward is the new punchline” phase dies soon because I actually miss punch lines.

4. The Hangover Part II speaking of The Hangover, you know that sequel we all were DYING to see? Well, you get what you pay for, folks. Everyone lambasted it for being exactly the same as the first, but that wasn’t entirely the problem. The problem was it tried to be exactly like the first. I’m not just talking about the premise and the formula. Shot-for-shot, moment-for-moment, even the exact detail to the formula emulated the first. No creativity or effort went into this movie, and the stuff Alan says gets old really quickly. It did have some redeeming factors such as Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper, but having the Wolf Pack retrace their steps and running into all the stereotypes of Bangkok is as funny as a bang in the cock…on the receiving end. What made the first movie more pleasant was while it exhausted the typical things to do in Vegas, at least those were somewhat innocent. Stu accidentally marrying a stripper looks like Disney compared to his little encounter with a Bangkok stripper. (P.S. I still didn’t need to see that). On top of all that, Alan in this movie isn’t as likable; in fact, he’s a complete jerk. I know he’s a man-child, but when the character that everyone likes goes sour, you have problems. We all went through the first Hangover; we don’t need another one.

3.Transformers: Dark of the Moon – There’s summer blockbuster, and then there’s summer junk food. Doctors should prohibit diabetics from watching this movie for fear it may elevate their blood sugar. We all use Michael Bay as a movie punchline in the same vein as M. Night Shyamalan, but does that mean we should excuse him from making crap? You don’t go see a movie because of special effects because those age. Ever heard of a 1999 movie called The Haunting? If that alone is why a movie is good, you really need to budget your allowances. I would much rather invest my $15 (because I saw this in 3D) on three albums that I can buy off Amazon than waste it on this. The new chick may not be Megan Fox, but at least Megan Fox had interesting characteristics in the first movie. This chick is so bland and unexplained that it’s just misogynist. I love hot chicks, but I love hot interesting chicks a lot more. If the lack of substance in the story doesn’t get to you, the dialogue will. The development of the plot dies very shortly until you’re just begging for the battles to end quickly. Of course, people are so distracted by the robots that the humans lose all development and usefulness. Shia LeBeouf may be an okay Sam Whitwicky and the robots may look cool, but you will need a REALLY good reason to get me to watch another one of these long, boring, pointless clunkers.

2. The Dilemma – Take note that I did not see either Jack and Jill or Breaking Dawn: Part I, but I would definitely place both of those movies on my list if I did. I did see this movie, though. What makes this worse than Bridesmaids is that the movie only has one joke as opposed to the former’s many. Where you can find some decent jokes in the midst of bad ones, you can’t find any good in one, long, old and unfunny joke: a man sees his best friend’s wife cheating on him and fears telling him. Vince Vaughn’s not a terrible actor but constantly boxes himself in a style that doesn’t work for him; the same can be said about Kevin James. I can’t say the same about Winona Ryder. This little engenue only comes across as an annoying little whiner. I don’t care if that was the intention; it’s chaffing. Her expressions and delivery rub me the wrong way, especially since she cheats on Kevin James for not sleeping with her for six months. Wow, Elizabeth Taylor was more faithful than that. It would help if the characters themselves were funny, but they’re not. Except for Channing Tatum, they have no quirks, no jokes, nothing. If you combined Transformers with Bridesmaids, you’ll get this ninety minute waste of time.

1. Your Highness – Remember when I said that I did not see either Jack and Jill and Breaking Dawn: Part I? Now, I wish I did. Those movies were so bad that they made everyone oblivious to this miserable mess. Here’s something about me: Freddy Got Fingered is my choice for the worst movie ever made because it runs on stupid, childish and gross jokes. Care to wonder why I put Your Highness as number 1? Not only does it also run on one joke, it’s an incredibly stupid joke. A stoner movie in medieval times. Oh, the hilarity. The dialogue and jokes are beyond cringeworthy, especially those coming from the villain (although I do admit enjoying the line “magic…motherfucker”). Everything that came out of his mouth felt like being hit in the head with a giant rock. The jokes are more like bowel movements of actual comedy and are treated just the same. Danny McBride does better when he’s not a poor man’s Will Ferrell; in fact, he should stay as far away from him as possible. But this movie does one worse: it pulls a joke so bad that nothing could redeem the movie’s comedic value. The joke revolves around Danny McBride taking a trophy from a Minotaur he slayed. That said trophy didn’t jump the shark, it pole-vaulted over it. Nothing, not even Academy Award-winner Natalie Portman could save this movie. It is, beyond a doubt, the worst movie I have seen this year.

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